VIDEO GAMES

The other day I cancelled my subscription to EVE Online for about the third time (BUT JUST TWO MORE WEEKS OF NOT PLAYING AND I COULD GET A MEANINGLESS CERTIFICATE IN A SKILL I NEVER USE!) so I had a spare fifteen dollars a month not being spent on a soul-sucking gaming fix. A friend related his dissatisfaction with GameFly and the price was right, so I spent the next several hours scrolling though over 2000 PS2, PS3, and PSP games looking for things I’d be willing to rent.

The way it works is you fill a queue (MOR LIEK A “Q” GET IT) and they do their best to send you your first, if not second, if not third, if not array[i]; i++;. Of the 2000 games I browsed I decided on about sixteen that were in various stages of want, lukewarm interest, and apathy that took more than two seconds to manifest. The list was then organized as followed:

1. Infamous: I wanted to start renting again when I didn’t think this was worth buying anyway.
2. Ghostbusters: You can put games that haven’t come out yet, and why not? I could use some more Bill Murray in my life.
3. Blazblue: The character design is definitely inferior to Guilty Gear, but I’m sure I’ll find someone to use. Otherwise a sharp-looking 2D fighter.
4. Red Faction Guerilla: I missed the other Red Faction game, so maybe it was better, but realistically destructible buildings is a form of sandbox nirvana.
5. Grand Theft Auto 4: I wouldn’t call myself a GTA “fan”, but I’ve played my share of them, and this one should be worth the time spent.
6. Guitar Hero Metallica: I can’t reconcile buying this if my younger brother owns it on the Wii just out in the living room, even though the second rate guitar he owns makes iron maidens look comfortable.
7. Onimusha: I own the first game in the “new series” of Onimusha, but I understand the original trilogy to be a more respectable title.
8. We Love Katamari: I forget what my friend Iowa said about this one. Better gameplay and worse humor? Ka ta ma ri da ma cy…
9. Prinny: Can I Really Be The Hero?: I’ve got the first three Disgaea games, so I can appreciate the adventure of a Prinny’s life, dood!
10. DBZ Budokai Tenkaichi 3: I never got anywhere in 2 because it was too much like 1, but now that I can’t find 2 I think it’s been long enough for me to play through it, so hopefully 3 is enough like 2 to replace it.
11. Star Wars Battlefront 2: I have only the vaguest recollections of positive recommendations, which is enough to clock it in at number 11.
12. Jeanne D’Arc: A PSP tile-based RPG, I doubt it will be the Holy Grail of the genre, but I could use a solid specimen. Hopefully the paper-rock-scissors relationship they have invariably included is not so powerful as to overpower the individuality of the units.
13. Star Wars The Force Unleashed: I heard this was repetitive and lackluster, but the demo was nice, and maybe I could stand playing what amounts to the demo repeatedly for six hours.
14. Rise of the Argonauts: Another title I had so looked forward to before it turned out an underwhelming tangle of walking, talking, and not enough hitting things with maces.
15. Mercenaries 2: Honestly maybe I should bump this up a few spots, because the first game was acceptable if repetitive. With all the new content the sequel is supposed to offer, it should be worth more than two underperforming action games.
16. Crisis Core: Final Fantasy 7: I sort of want to know what they did to the plotline of Final Fantasy 7, but at the same time I dislike Action RPGs with such a tangible fury; with the title down this far on the list it should only ever arrive when I have exhausted all avenues of entertainment and am left gasping for buttons to press.

Later on that day I check to see that they have shipped me Prinny: Can I Really Be The Hero. What? Games have an availability stat that is described as High 75+%, Medium 50+%, Low 25+%, or Now which is presumably 100%. Above Prinny I had two Highs, two Mediums, one Low, and three future releases, so the probability of them sending it should have been somewhere in the realm of 1.171875% at the highest.

In any case, uh, I guess you can expect an article about Prinny: Can I Really Be The Hero? in the following week?

Dood.